Sayonara 2017

I don't know about you, but I love a fresh new year. I do. I love the holiday season: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. My favorite days, though, are probably the ones between Christmas and New Years. The chaos of the holidays are behind and it's kind of a quiet week.

I typically spend a lot of time reflecting on my year. And this year? 2017 was a doozy. I mean...it was both amazing and not. I'm entering the New Year with lots of hope and also gratitude that 2017 is closing behind me.

Highlights:

• I met my birth mother, Sarah. It was a highlight of my life for sure. I'm so grateful for the blooming relationship with her and a visit this year where I will get to introduce my hubby and kidlets to her. And as a result of meeting her, I've begun a relationship with her two daughters which I am enjoying. One day I will write about meeting her.
• The kids turned 20, 6, & 11. They are both my joy and every bit of what exhausts me.
• I continue to love my job. I get to work with babies, toddlers, and their mommas. I get to work at my kids' school, on their schedule with amazing people and teachers. SO grateful.
• Mister and I celebrated 10 years. That's a long time. I am so grateful for his wisdom and leadership in my life. Cheers to 90 more.
• Studying the Word. I have diligently studied and copied the Word this year. I am so excited to continue this habit. I am so grateful for how God speaks to us through His word.

Lowlights:

• Pain. Oy. It started at the beginning of 2017. It was a slow fade. Answers didn't really start until the fall, but I know my phlebotomist by name. So. Much. Blood drawn to find answers. I'm bringing in 2018 with some relief, but still a lot of unanswered questions. Living with chronic pain is NO JOKE. No one understands it except maybe those who live with you and those who also have chronic pain. Praying for answers, relief, and hope in the coming days and year. I have to put a plug in for my dear Mister here...he has pushed me to get answers and picked up a LOT of slack around the house, which I am ever so grateful for. I am really hoping for more answers and relief in the coming months and year.
• Parenting. The good news on this front is that I'm not alone. This has been one of the roughest years of parenting. Each of my kids has had unique challenges that have caused quite the struggle for me. I don't ever know if I'm doing it right (which really is the rally of parents, isn't it?), but the fear of failing these kids is just...so big sometimes. I'm not alone. It's hard across the board. It would help if we could parent them all the same, but you know...that's just not a reality. I will continue to love them with all my heart, seek the Lord for wisdom and grace, and take it day by day. My prayer is that I won't take it in my hands, but keep pushing them to Jesus. At the end of the day, that's all I really know to do anyway.
• Depression. Oh man...there was a very, very dark 8-12 weeks in the fall. I've never experienced a darkness quite like that before. I am so grateful to be on the other side of it. I completely had pulled away from any support that I had. Only my hubby and one friend even knew what was happening. 

Photo Cred: Megan Rockwell Photography

What I've learned:

• That whole "faith, hope, and love are the greatest of these" is legit. Without hope, it's pretty dark. Without faith...there is no hope. Without love, who would take care of you and pull you up and put hope in front of you and remind you of your faith?
• You don't need 47 friends. You need like 3. And only one deep one...maybe a few others to keep you grounded and real. Sometimes friends cross that line into "framily" and they become irreplaceable to you. So grateful for my framily...family that I got to choose. You are my light and my constant. I love you.
• There is no manual for being a momma to three completely different human beings. What works for one won't work for another. And sometimes my love and effort isn't enough to "fix" anything.
• God alone is my source of strength. What an honor to be loved by the Creator.

Cheers to the New Year! May 2018 be a time we seek Him first.

Raising a World Changer {aka joy sprinkler}

We spent 4 days in Chicago this past week. You get to know some of the hotel staff as you come and go. The manager at the fitness center (aka pool) {where the kids and I spent the days Daddy was in meetings} loved to interact with the kids. After a few days, he came up to me and tell me he thinks Ruby is a world changer...that even though she's young, he believes she has quite a calling on her life. This is not the first time I've heard this.

And now I officially have some thoughts to share on my blog. (It's been a while. Oy.)

Parenting a strong-willed child, as many of you know, is more difficult than I could have imagined. It can be lonely, confusing, frustrating, and entertaining....a whirlwind, if you will.

She struggles to build relationships, but yet encourages and includes people who might be considered "unseen." She sprinkles joy everywhere she goes.

I've had a lot of people just say we should "break her spirit," and she will eventually obey. I'm so glad we haven't done that, even though it might make our journey more difficult, isolated, etc. Sure...breaking her spirit would {possibly} give us obedience. Dare I say immediate obedience?

OR I can try to rough out the edges with grace, understanding, and patience. Is it easy? No. Is it trying? Um, yes. Do I feel like it most days? Nope. Do I see fruition after all this time? Yes...and THAT is awesome.

I watched her time and time again this past week sprinkle joy everywhere she goes. She made businessmen, fancy ladies, and pet owners in the middle of a big city smile and chuckle with her silliness. She drew people in when they didn't even know they wanted to be drawn in.

And that, my friend, is why I know she will change the world. Even if it's just one smile at a time. Because she already has made a footprint. Handfuls of people over the course of this week smiled over a silly girl who sprinkles joy wherever she goes. And this momma is tired but so so proud of her girl.

                     

The Other Mother

I think of her today. A lot. Both of hers. All three of hers.

She's probably missing them...these kids I have the blessing of loving day to day. She probably wonders about them most days, but I suppose Mother's Day is difficult for her to face. She can't escape this holiday. It's everywhere...swirling all around.

And I'm sure swirling with all the flowery praises we all give our moms, she drowns in shame that she is not there beside her (amazing) children. She wonders where they are, what they're doing...who they are. 

I assure you, sweet birth momma(s)...they are amazing. They are sure, happy, and stubborn. They are well. They are talented and funny. They are bright and have many dreams. They are loved. Through and through. By so many.  

And I also assure you that they're thinking about you on this Mother's Day. I know this because we've talked about you today. I have made sure they know that this mom is grateful for you. I even think and wonder about my own birth mom on Mother's Day. And though I've never asked her, I'm sure I cross her mind on this day. 

You are not forgotten, birth mommas. We  hope and pray that you know this...that you rest in this. And please know that this quote rings true in my heart and life. 

                             

From one mother to the other mother: our kids need both of us. And you are not forgotten. 

Word...

Last week we had a GROW Conference at our church. {Grow Conference = old school revival = awesomeness.}

I walked away with so many fresh, new thoughts. I learned some new things. I heard some truths that were hard to hear. I prayed some prayers that were hard to pray.

My favorite part of the GROW Conference? My new-found love-affair with the Word.

This is not the first time it has bit me like a love bug, nor do I hope it goes away. These words are life. These words are truth. These words are hope. And if you love Jesus and aren't digging in - REALLY digging in - you're missing out!

But that's not what this post is about.

Pre-GROW Conference, I read the Bible {almost} daily. I did devotions. I prayed. I lived and served Jesus with all of me. And so on the 2nd message of our conference, I was a little annoyed that the preacher kept referring to my "device" as less than ideal for God's Word.

Here's the thing - I love having it with me EVERYWHERE. I love looking up stuff in an instant and moment of need with the search engine. I love the devotions, encouraging words, and truth at the tap of my "device." And it doesn't get much better than free. Not to mention the fact that you can read it in 12 different versions in a matter of minutes if you so wish.

So when preacher man said it the second time, the hairs on the back of my neck went up. {God always has to have stuff repeated for me to listen up - why is that?} The third time in two sermons, and I'm officially saying, "Okay, God...what do you want me to learn from this?" And I meant it, too, in case you're wondering.

No less than 12 hours later, I would find out why.

As a part-time SAHM, I homeschool my 7 year old. These days can be long, since I don't have 5 full days to get school work in. I found that not "hovering" helps work get done faster (on his part), so I read, catch up on emails, do my devotions, housework, (etc) when he's doing independent work.

I'm reading my open Bible. Pen/highlighter nearby when I sense him breathing down my neck {which I kind of hate}.

D: "Whatcha doin', Momma?"
Me: "Reading my Bible."
D: (long pause - thought he left) "Oh...I never see you do dat before."

Jaw = dropped.
Eyeballs = wide open.
Heart = racing.
Dread = settling.

Point = made.

My kids needs to see me read my Bible. My kids need to see my love for the Word. It's not a secret thing. And it's contagious. Only 2 days after I start keeping my Bible open as I read it throughout the day (highlighting and underlining and note-taking), Miss R (age 2) starts carrying hers around (it's a full size Bible she found in her room...like a cheap-o one they give away). She also "colors" in it. And she calls it her "Jesus book."

Now, D asks me what it's about - what I'm reading about today. And sometimes it leads to some pretty amazing conversations about God's love story for us...because isn't that what the Bible is all about?

And I am in awe of how quickly God can make a point in our lives. Are you listening?

for realz

Singing...

 Those of you who know little ol' me know that I sing. I love it. I used to do a lot more of it, but now it is reserved only for those under the age of 7 and contains mostly silly songs, in addition to classic oldies but goodies - B-I-B-L-E, This Little Light of Mine, and Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Boy, do I miss singing.

And - whether I say it out loud each week, my favorite part of church is the singing. I like to listen to others sing; I enjoy dramas; choreography is okay; teaching and preaching - I soak it all in. But singing? I. Love. Singing.

All this to tell you a sweet story that I might be telling just to make sure I don't forget it.

I sing with my kidlets a lot. I'm sure all moms do. *shrug* Not sure it matters, but I do love to hear my littles sing.

Miss R is 2 and is all 2 at that. We have our roller coaster days with great sillies, funny moments, squealing, potty chairs, screaming, fit-throwing, snuggling, and lots of moments in between.

Tonight, as I was rocking her (she wouldn't let me do it when she was a baby but wants it now...I'll take it!), we were listening to her lullaby mix on the ipod. It plays over speakers in her room. {Both my kids have it - counselor has said it's very soothing for middle of the night issues for my older one - not to mention the calming effect quiet Jesus music has on any soul.}

A song came on that I love: "Hallelujah" by Heather Williams. I usually am humming or quietly singing along with the song. Sometimes Miss R will put her palm against my throat...she likes the vibration in my throat when I hum/sing. Tonight at the end, when there are quite a few long "hallelujahs," I was singing along, and to my utter delight - she did too.

She knew all the hallelujahs, when to take a deep breath to wail out the next part, and when she got loud and quiet.

All while having her whole palm - warm and gently pressed up against my throat.

That was fun. Being a mom is such a delight.

my kidlets...they're totally adorbs...am i right?!

Oh, and I miss singing. Did I mention that?

Two years ago...

Though by date, it hasn't been quite two years yet, today was the day.

This particular Thursday...the day of Farm Progress (a huge deal in our parts). I was walking side-by-side with the Mister on our way in to a H-O-T day of food prep at the Farm Progress. You have to walk a good mile just to get in, and then there's exhibit after exhibit of farm-y stuff before you can find the D1Naz food tent.

Half-way through our trek through the parking lot, my cell phone rang. The caller-id told me it was our case worker for Dillon. His adoption was not final at this time, so we were always waiting for good news regarding that. I answer with hesitation, hope, and a question or two already forming in my mind.

"Everything's fine with Dillon," she starts the call. "There's a baby."
Me: "A baby?"
Her: "Yup. Birth sibling."
Me: "Birth sibling? Oh my goodness."
Her: "You're the first call, and I hate to do this, but I need an answer fast."
Me (now crying, blubbering, and trying to let Mister know what's going on on the other side of the line): "Yes...yes yes yes. We will never turn away birth siblings." (This is something we had discussed prior and already knew our answer. That makes it easier for sure when this emotional time comes around.)

Then the flood of questions: "Is it a boy or girl? When was he/she born? Is he/she healthy? Can I see him/her in the hospital? When will he/she be in my arms? How will I get ready for a baby this fast? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!?!" {Thankfully, our case worker is amazingly calm and doesn't panic at the rate I do.}

Her: "We don't know anything. Literally. Just need an answer, and I'll text you things as I know them."

And so we went about our merry way, working the hot Farm Progress Show. I told a few close friends because I felt like I was going to burst. What was I going to do? A baby?! A newborn? Straight out of the hospital? And a birth sibling to our amazing little {at the time} 5 year old.

We had her a mere 50 hours later. It was a girl. And she was given my name {bizarre}. And she was born on my Daddy's birthday {bizarre}. And she weighed 7'7'' (my favorite # - bizarre}.

And we called her Ruby, after my maternal grandmother {who I never had the priveledge of knowing, outside of Marmi's memories}. And Dillon wanted to call her Gracie, so that is her middle name. One day, there will be official papers that say those things...until then...we know she's ours in the end {though it doesn't stop us from praying daily that this adoption moves a little faster}.

                 

And I can't believe it's been 2 years. 

She is wild & zany. She loves to laugh, and she loves any form of mischief. She now understands {fully} how to push her brother's buttons, and she annoys him on a daily basis.

She is our joy, our laughter around here. There is {quite literally} NEVER a dull moment with her around. She knows what she wants and wants it NOW. She is stubborn, and tends to have anger management issues {so early in life}.

She loves music and really loves to sing. If she sees anything that remotely reminds her of Elmo, she sings "La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la" at the TOP of her lungs and hopes others will sing along.

She is obsessed with Dora, Princesses {"pay-sayses"}, and Elmo. And she is enamored by all things animal. She loves to "read" books, and she is starting to use 2-3 word phrases and communicating better.

She is gorgeous. Those blue eyes and blonde hair...a story for another day, but an answer to my prayers. She is a hugger, and she loves deeply.

She loves THIS GUY more than anything. {And he reciprocates, as you can see in this picture.}

              

She's a Daddy's girl sometimes, and a Momma's girl others. And I'll take it.

And the only time she likes to snuggle is in the middle of the night when something has woken her out of her slumber. And again...I'll take it.

              

Gracie - a few days before your birthday, and a few more days before our "Gotcha Day," I'm celebrating that moment...the one where we first found out about you.

We are so blessed. How could we ask for more?

Praying Through the ABCs

After much ado at Christmas-time, I decided to add a little fun to my BLAH crappy white kitchen cabinets by adding ribbon and cute little clips to hold Christmas cards of ones I love.

And then I took them down. Yesterday. Yes. 5/29. Better late than never, right? :)

I loved the color the ribbon brought, but what to put up there? Pics? Yea, but I don't EVER keep up with printing them in a timely manner (like I have NONE of Miss R on our fridge yet, and she's 20 months old), so no.

And then it hit me! I won these cards a few years back (and actually printed them then, too), but never had a great way to display them (and therefore rarely use them). They're fantastic! Praying for your Kids through the ABCs. Just fantastic.

Rebecca @ Better Life Bags designed them. She sells them in her shop, as well. They're fab. {She also has ones for praying for your hubs and praying through your pregnancy...all great gift ideas for people you love.}

                                          

So, here we are. Since I only have 4 wall cabs, they're kinda crammed up there, but one will be our family verse of the week, so it will be down on display somewhere else.

                                 

Dresses up my cabs while keeps my eyes on what matters - praying for my kidlets. And oh, the discussions they will bring up. Looking forward to it.

                                  

And my personal favorite {at the moment} - for I never want my kidlets to struggle like I do with this idea of unconditional love. I plead with God, as we memorize these Words together - that my family will be transformed by the words on my kitchen cabs.

                      

And thanks, Rebecca, for making these so all I have to do is pray 'em. :) What a good momma you are!

Momma Mia...

Though this is FOUR days late (for good reason - a story for another day), I want to give credit where credit is due. If you know my Marmi, then you know why I think so highly of her. She's amazing. Hands down. She gives and gives and gives and gives and gives of herself...and then she wakes up and does it all over again.

Few days go by without hearing her voice, and even if it's a 2 minute re-cap of my day amidst a screaming toddler and a rowdy boy, it's still 2 minutes where she's all mine.

I could write blog after blog about her, but instead, I'll keep it simple: I want to be like her when I grow up.

She plays with her grandkids (really  plays...not just enjoys them). She keeps up with all of her kids (and some of our friends). She may even be a saint in my book for having four under the age of 5 back in the day. She serves people by day as she's loving them into the Kingdom. She has this resilient spirit, but mostly she just brightens a room as she walks in it. She never stops. Ever.

This week, though, my sister & I exchanged a glance and a few tears as we watched our mom go through some of the hardest hours she's known. As great of a mom as she is, she's an even better wife to my Daddy. And really, isn't that part of being a great mom? {Oh, to learn this now!}

Watching helplessly as the love of your life lays hurting in a hospital bed has to be the saddest thing.
And we watched her do it.
And comb his hair.
And pull blankets on and off and on and off.
And advocate for his meds when they weren't coming fast enough.
And kissing him on the forehead every once in a while just to make sure he knew she was there.
And shedding tears in the hallway so he wouldn't see them.

So I'm sitting here thankful for the example of love that she is to me. Not only to my siblings & I, our kids, and really anyone who comes in her path - but also to my dad {who is on the up & up today after an agonizing week}.

And I'm thankful for these two. Who both surprised me and changed me by calling me by a new name: Momma.

How could I ask for more?

Looking Fear in the Eye(s)

Fear is a funny thing. I've known people who have just been driven by fear. Driven.

And though we are all fearful of certain things, I have never been much of a fear-filled person. That is...until I had kids.

Adoption comes with so many fears. As parents, we fear doing it right. We fear scarring our kids. We fear them feeling different their whole lives. We fear their possible hurts that are out of our control.

And me? I fear the birth parents.

When we adopted Dillon, we made it a closed adoption. And it was really up to us. The decision to us was a no-brainer. They could hurt him again. Seeing them might make him re-live some of the trauma he's been through. Secretly, some fears that I had were that he might love them more than me...that he would want to be with them. So keeping them at a distance was what we had to do.

Then came little sister. And the realities of "sharing" her for visits every week...the opening up of communication, be it through a case worker or not.

Then came a little book:

And a class I felt led to "facilitate" full of adoptive parents wanting the very best for their children.

Then came a few dreams (3 to be exact). Montages of happiness that included my children, older, smiling, content. And it featured my Mister & I, smiling, content. And it featured birth parents...smiling, content.

Then came prayer. A lot of prayer. And just...talking it out with God. And Mister.

Then came a letter that it was time for a case review for Little Miss. SO! I felt it was a perfect, non-obligatory way to meet them without kids present. It would be short & sweet. It would be with others present. It would be non-confrontational. It would be fine.

It would not, however, be easy. We doubted going and starting this process even as we were walking into the room.

But we did it. We faced our fear(s). Right in the eyeballs. And we smiled. And talked about our children. Our children.

And God was good enough to let me see beauty. Even though some ugly things have been done to hurt and scar my child for life, God allowed me to see beauty there. No anger & hurt. No bitterness.

I saw beauty. Those eyes gave me my two biggest blessings. And I literally couldn't ask for more.

For realz.

My productive moments...

I never intended to give her a bowl, fork, and mashed taties. It just...happened. And then I got distracted. And then there was silence.

For you see, like most mommas, my productive moments with a 13 month old are as follows: eat time (sometimes) & sleep time...

And that's it.

However, today, while I was fluttering about putting things away from our weekend of living in the woods, I was missing a BIG learning moment for my sweets. She fed herself with a utensil! Independence at it's best!

And so the rest of my "productive time" was spent cheering her on, telling her how proud of her I was, and giggling with her!

{God, help me to see with both eyes, even though I'm trying to keep a house up. Thanks for not letting me miss this moment. Thank you for my Baby R, and what a gift she is.}

This love

We Keathleys have a lot going on. Just...too much to even think about in a single day, it seems. Sometimes I feel that we will be crushed under the weight of it all.

Thankfully, even in those moments of darkness, I have a whispered promise, directly from God's heart:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexted, but not in depair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." ~2 Corinthians 4:8-9~

I had to look up the reference, but I KNOW those words. They are hidden in my heart. From years of Sunday School, Bible Quizzing, and studying, reading, reflecting on the Words of Life.

And so...in this moment...

• I am thankful that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. {Thank you, God, for the words of Paul that help me remember.}
• I am thankful for this Word hidden in my heart...this silent promise of hope, if only I should listen. {Thank you, God, for your Word. Thank you, Marmi & Daddy, various Sunday School & Bible Quizzing, Small Group, Pastors and Devotional Leaders, for helping me hide it there. I had NO idea how meaningful it would be one day.}
• I am thankful that I, too, now have this great responsibility to hide Truth into my children's heart. {Thank you, God, for my 2 biggest gifts you have ever given me. Please help me to love them as you would have me.}

And I will...hide truth in them. Because life is hard. And really, it's sad sometimes. But God is good. And this hope we have is all that I have to hold on to sometimes.

I am thankful for something else today.

 These kids adore each other more than I could have ever taught them to. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...Big D just surprises me with his love for Baby R.

While families have to cope with sibling rivalry {I realize it may be coming}, he just...wants to make her happy. All. The. Time. And he'll do anything to make her giggle. And "bubba" is her favorite word.

This love...is what I'm thankful for.

I know it's hard...

Dear Dillon:

Sweet child of my heart. When I met you, you quite literally changed my world forever. I had no idea what impact your little snotty-nosed, hyper-active, happier-than-happy little self would have on me.

But here I am...4 (plus) years from meeting you, and 3 (plus) years of you changing my name to "Momma."

I ache for you. It hurts my heart that I haven't been there for all your moments. It makes me anxious that I don't know all the trouble you saw before I ever came around. I long to just hold you in my arms and somehow morph it right out of you.

You have so much joy. You have so much sheer excitement. You love people. You love church and church friends more than I could have ever hoped. You surprise me every day by how much you love your sister. I realize it may not always be like this, but you have just really surprised me with your adoration for her.

And now, in the 2nd full month of 1st grade, we're seeing how hard this is for you. I've feared this all along. As your first teacher, I saw you struggle {and yet thrive} with new language and literacy, and I wondered if this would happen.

As I saw tears roll down your face yesterday, trying with all your might to read, my heart ached for you. It broke. And all the momma in me wanted to fix it...quick-like. But I can't.

It's hard. I know it's hard. Reading is hard. Learning is hard.

But don't give up. Just around the corner it will click for you. Or you'll remember a word from last week. And your confidence will build up, and even though it'll still be hard, it won't SEEM as hard.

The truth is...I know it's hard. But I also know you can do it. Don't give up. Don't stop trying. And don't stop believing that you CAN do this.

I love you all the way around the world {and then some},
Momma

The Hard Questions

As an adoptee, I have a billion questions. Some are deep, some...not so much. Some are important; others are not. But they're still there until they get answered. I love that as an adoptive momma, I know the questions my kids are going to have.

But hear me...as much as I love this, I also dread it. Because I know the hard things they're going to think, believe, go through. And to make matters worse, we know details about certain happenings in Big D's life pre-foster care...and to know it is hard, but to share it with him (eventually, when it's age appropriate and if he cares) will be harder still.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for this.

Like recently. Big D's been obsessed with "kidnapping." He's had bad dreams. He's had dreams that his sister was kidnapped. I'm thankful he can talk about these things, but scared to death of where he comes up with it. We don't allow violent/scary anything in our home/tv/video games, etc. He just can't handle it. He can't even watch Scooby Doo anymore b/c he has bad dreams about monsters and ghosts. We don't know the actual evil he's encountered in the 4 years before us, and he just can't handle it. Some kids can. My kid can't.

{And before I get on a soapbox about it...isn't it a blessing that we don't have to raise our children the way "society" thinks we should? Seriously. Why would we put bad images in our children's mind before they're ready for them?}

Back to the kidnapping. For weeks, he's been randomly questioning the Mr & I...usually when we're alone with him, and when it's down time. We have been racking our brains...really puzzled as to where this came from. Who has he been with? What kinds of things were talked about? What images has he seen/heard/played/talked about when I wasn't around?

We have talked about it, prayed about it, and we can't figure it out.

Today, as he asked me a new question...the worst one so far...I realized it was from me. It was me, in my paranoia....which is a story for another day. In short, as I stood up for our rights as a family {not realizing he was even listening}, I relayed some of my fears. One of my biggest fears is my children being kidnapped by birth parents. {It makes me want to move to the North Pole or Australia...as far away as possible.}

But he heard me. And now my biggest fear has been transferred to my son.


As I hid my tears from him today, I realized...this is just the beginning of the hard questions. 

The last time...

Have you read this book?

It's a book for mommas disguised as a kid's book.

Anyway, bring your tissues if you ever plan to read it, but just know that. It's quite thought provoking while it's at it, too.

I know I've already missed several "lasts," but I sure am more conscious of it now...or at least I try to be. Last night, after several days in a row of Baby R not wanting to snuggle with her last bottle of the day, I lost it. {poor Mr} I lost it good.

I cried. I whined. I stomped my foot. I was unreasonable. I ended up hyperventilating and almost collapsing. All because Baby R was maybe growing out of the snuggle phase and I couldn't remember the last time...

So this, my friends, is a gift.

And I cherished every single second of it...For if this was the last snuggle {God forbid}, this momma will have each breath felt, each love whispered, and each song hummed etched forevermore...

Happiness is...

The longer I am here on this dusty old earth, the more I long for home. Jesus wasn't kidding when he said {and I quote} "In this world you will have trouble." (John 16:33)

He didn't say "you MAY have trouble." He said, "you WILL have trouble."

Can I get an "amen!?"

Not wanting to ramble here, but just been thinking about JOY and Happiness and the difference between the two.

There are so many "things" going on right now in our family, both in this house and outside our walls with our parents and those close to us. Sometimes when I stop to pray about all of it, I just get so overwhelmed. And it's a constant giving back to God all of my issues, problems, petitions, requests, needs, wants, and desires. And if I let it, it just all brings me down. It keeps me from experiencing the joys of today, this moment.

So...I've been really asking God to help me live in the moment and experience the joys through all the rough stuff. Part of it is realizing that welling up of happiness is much different from joy...an everlasting peace. So, I've been writing my moments down.

And in case you need some happiness, you can share some of mine...

Happiness is...singing at the top of our lungs as a family. Love will hold us together.
Happiness is...Ruby's giggles.
Happiness is...waking up from a 2 hour nap, realizing your son has snuggled up and napped with you.
Happiness is...getting a call back for a 2nd interview (for the Mister, that is)
Happiness is...Dillon fake sneezing to make Ruby laugh.
Happiness is...Ruby coughing when she takes a bite of food, making it go EVERYWHERE.
Happiness is...watching Monk at the end of every day with my Mister.
Happiness is...getting a piece of snail mail.
Happiness is...a phone call from my bestie.
Happiness is...a little wave as D turns around right before going in to school for the day.
Happiness is...these two gems below. {Thank you, Jesus, for your gifts.}

Photo taken by my s-i-l @ Rockwell Photo Indy

Where I've Been...

 So I promise I haven't dropped off the face of the planet. I really do hope to really get back into the blogosphere very shortly.

This...

is where I've been.

We call her Ruby Grace. She came very quickly (we had less than 24 hour notice). And she has changed the course of our lives. I would say God has a sense of humor, but the reality is...I've been praying for a baby for the longest time. Little did I know she would come as our adopted son's birth sister and that she would quietly sweep into our hearts and lives and radically change everything.

This certainly isn't how we planned it. But what in life is, right?

All this to say: I miss you. I miss blogging. I miss reading blogs and keeping up with all these random strangers. I will be back. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Because to be quite honest...I feel like I'm going to come OUT OF MY SKIN if I don't get to do a crafty project ASAP.

Anyway - we would appreciate any prayers as we learn to function in a purely chaotic state.

XOXOXOX jos

Susie-Home-Maker...NOT

So...I'm getting ready to crush some of you. I mean, really.

I have good intentions, I really do. But I just can't seem to do it.

Do what, you ask?

Be a good Susie-Home-Maker.

Now, to be quite honest up front, the measuring stick with which I measure is P.R.E.T.T.Y. big. My Marmi Jo-jo is an UH-MAZING housekeeper. A perfect blend of Susie (HomeMaker), Betty (Crocker), and Martha (Stewart). No really. This woman is just...someone I can only attain to be.

When I was teaching (pre-kid), I thought I was struggling because I was busy. Especially those first 2 years...man, I spent a LOT of time in the classroom. There was rarely energy left for cleaning/cooking/picking up/straightening/being a good home maker. So I rarely did.

Then we bought a house. It had 2 more rooms than the past house (that I had already struggled to keep up with). Not to mention a yard, etc. So...Uhhhhh....Not sure why I thought "maybe here I will do well." Nope.

Then we got a dog. Love him to pieces. Don't even GET me started on the mess they make, smell they make, etc. (And mine even does his business outside! He's just a stink-er!)

Then we got a 4 year old. Oh, brother. Again...love him to pieces. Can't live without him (literally...don't think I could.) Can't BELIEVE the mess he makes. Every. Waking. Hour. {Though to be quite honest, I am trying to teach him to clean up after himself. 1.5 years later, he's not doing too bad.}

{Now, in case you're wondering...this post is not JUST about how I suck at being a house keeper.}

I've tried everything:

• Daily Cleaning Lists/Chores - Woops! I'd go days without looking at it.
• Fly Lady - she's neat, she really is. Just can't keep up.
• Weekend Cleaning - nope...doesn't work
• Week Night Cleaning  - refer to the above comment
• Split Cleaning - The Mister & I will split chores and take responsibility for only those chores. He quit that after there wasn't a clean towel (in the whole house)...Not to mention other things that are quite necessary.

All this to give encouragement to a few of you out there who secretly are not the best @ this ever-loving, never-ending job.

I found something that works!

 

Yup. It's an egg timer. I make a list of areas that need to be cleaned up (usually ALL of them). I split time up (usually 10-15-20 minutes). Set the timer. Give myself a few 5 minute internet breaks (because I'm severely addicted...maybe THAT'S why I stink at this). And work my way down the list. It makes it fun, quick, and I end up trying to beat the timer. After all, if the bathroom gets cleaned up before the 10 minutes is up, I can have a few free minutes on Blogger....so...ya know...it's worth it.

That's what I've been doing the past hour. Beating the clock. And 1 hour went by VERY fast, yet I got a LOT done.

Off to see if I can get dishes AND laundry done in 10 minutes flat...

First Day of School Blues...

I used to be on the other side of the door.

As the teacher, I pried children off parents, telling them they will be just fine and will have a great day. "You just wait and see," I would say. I saw mom's break down, drop & run, snoop (stick around much longer than needed), and I saw my share of silent tears, as well.

I didn't think I'd struggle. I've been needing a "break." Working and being mom and trying to balance hasn't been working terribly well (yet), mostly because he has to be there. {Try being productive with a hyper-active 5 year old on your heels...it's NUTS!} Add to our crazy equation...a week stretch where Daddy has to work a LOT extra. Not only did D struggle with that, so did Momma. I needed a break.

My Mister is so good about giving me a break when I need one (if he's able). And so I got several breaks this weekend.

But then this morning, as we walked to school, I was chastising myself. I should have enjoyed a few more summer hours with my sweet boy before shipping him off for 7 hours a day. I coulda just waited for my 7 hour break. And then reality hit me that I am not going to be there all day with him. Every day. For, like, 180some days.

180 days of not knowing what he REALLY eats for lunch.
180 days of wondering if he's going to break a limb (for he's not only accident-proned, but also just quick to action, slow to think.)
180 days of hoping and praying that he's standing up for those being bullied.
180 days of praying that he's not BEING bullied (or being the bullier, too, I suppose).
180 days of someone else calming his fears and insecurities for those hours in the day.
180 days of someone else seeing his lightbulb go off and watching him learn new things.

Ugh. I've never quite felt like this before. Now, more than ever, I want to spend every minute with him, soaking up his sweetness and hilarity. And so I did. After school. We were quite inseparable for those 5 short hours together. How fair is that?! (Not at all.)

I'm not one to worry. I don't really believe in worrying, and those who worry REALLY bother me. But I'm not gonna lie...in those 15-20 (possibly 30) minutes where I was having a breakdown once we got home, I mighta been a bit of a worrier. God & my Mister calmed my fears and my unknowns {and truth be told, my lack of control}.

And now, here I am. Wide awake (since I slept for many hours today) and wishing my D was awake with me. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

A chuckle worthy moment from this past week.
Me: "Sweet D, I'm gonna miss you. You're going to be at school for a long time. What am I gonna do without you?" D: "It okay, Mom. I won't miss you. I be having fun at sool." {At least he's honest. And excited about school. I love that.}

 

 

Can you tell he's excited to be there?!

Not Guilty...

Our kids can bring out the best in us.
And oh, boy, can they bring out the worst.

I feel like my lil' D can, with simple actions, take me from laughing to anger in 3 seconds flat.

Seriously.

In our Growing Kids God's Way parenting SS class, we are looking at a child's conscience. It's interesting the way God made us. It's also scary the job that we have in forming our child's conscience. It's a big job.

I do not want my little man to be good to just simply please me, which I believe is the phase he is going through now. He is so good. Really. He's a doll. But I do believe he might turn into a little monster when I'm not around, which is evidence for my aforementioned statement. The goal, ultimately, would be to foster a conscience that is Christ-like: others-minded and self-controlled.

I also don't want him to be good out of guilt. I do not think that guilt is a good emotion to have. It is as unhealthy as it gets. To do something for fear of what another might think/do is just...probably how I live my life sometimes. But I don't want to. And I certainly don't want that for my child. How do I...not pass this on to him?

This whole discipline thing can be done so wrongly {and so quickly, depending on your temperament}. I do not want my child to fear me...be scared of me. I simply long for him to mind, even if it doesn't make sense or he doesn't want to.

{I wonder if that's how God feels about me and my wayward, selfish spirit.}

Speaking of the greatest Father of all...what a blessing that we have His ultimate example to lead us. If we are not in the Word, we may not see it. We might just miss out on great parenting advices and examples. But tonight, I ran into this which made me think about our child's conscience:

"...do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?" {Romans 2:4}

The section is on judgements. And what I really want to grow in my brown-eyed boy is a sense of right and wrong, along with the desire to do the right thing in his core. I can't make him do right. I kinda can right now with all the nudging, coaching, discussing of decisions. But what about when he's 12? 18? 21? 29?

And the truth is, as stated in the passage above - God's kindness is used to lead us to repentance. 

It isn't a fear of Him {though that is there}.
It isn't the judgements other people will give me. That's pretty pointless in life.
It isn't the fear of Hell {not that I wanna go there, though}.
It isn't out of an unhealthy guilt {that might be there even when you're doing right}.


It's His love. His kindness. His gentleness. The way He stops everything to look for the 1 lost sheep, throws it over his shoulders and throws a party when He finds it {see Luke 15:1-7}. It's the sacrifice that He gave for little ol' me and my bad choices.


Now...how do I relay that to my 5 year old? How do you discipline with such love, kindness, grace, and gentleness as displayed by the Father?


Deep thoughts for a Sunday night...I leave you with this:

{really...does it GET much better than this?!}

The Day God Gave Me a New Name

It's been one year. ONE YEAR. It's hard to believe, but true. Time really does fly. A year literally seems like just a few instants and sleepless nights.

In May 2010

And yet, here I am, a year later.

My favorite shot of him. Feb 2010. He was the lion for our class circus.

April 10, 2010 was (probably) the best day in my life up to this point. We were told 4 days earlier that our soon-to-be-adopted-son would be moving in on 4/10. I remember every little moment about this day. I will spare you the details, but I won't ever forget the anticipation. I wondered how he would be. I wondered if he would come willingly or with tears. He, in fact, came willingly, excitedly, and actually called me "Momma" as we pulled away. {He was ready...}

His first night with us. Superman jammies and all.

We had been waiting since October, when we first learned he would be up for adoption. Those 5 months were some rough months, but we did learn a lot about God's timing, worshiping while we waited, and enjoyed many "kidless moments" as we awaited our sweet brown-eyed boy.

D with his favorite person - Daddy

Before that special day, I was Joslyn. I have mild OCD which annoys everyone I know (sorry!). I was a teacher, referred to as "Mrs. K" by 80+ previous students, the families, and other students in the school where I taught. {In fact, I was "Mrs. K" to my brown-eyed boy the day before I became Momma.} I would sleep until noon if I could. I would go to sleep at 10 p.m. if I could. {I love sleep!} I crafted on weekends while watching chick-flicks when Aaron worked {out of sheer boredom}.

Swinging...seems we go to parks to do this more than anything else.

Now, I'm still mildly OCD. I can't help myself. I am only "Momma." It's rare to hear my old name anymore, and since I'm staying home with him, there are no "Mrs. K" references. I am still a teacher...most moments are "teachable moments" with a 5 year old. I rarely go to bed before midnight, and I usually am up before the 8 o'clock hour. The latest I've slept in this year is 9 a.m. {and that was the one and only night we have been away from him in this year!}. I craft now because I love it (and because I'm cheap), but I have to fit it in 15 minute segments or when he's napping (which is rare).

Family Night downtown. Fall 2010

His laughter and silliness fills my days now. His mischievousness (if that's a word) now keeps me alert and on my toes at all times. His "energy" (aka hyper-activeness) helps us stay active and busy. There is literally never a dull moment around here. His snuggles warm me all the way to my toes, and when he touches my face and says, "I love you, Momma," there is no greater feeling. Sneaking kisses and tricking him into the next time I can kiss him (he is 5 now, you know...he's starting to like them less :-( ) is the next thing on my to-do list always.

My boy does like his ice cream. Cooling off on a hot day over the summer 2010.

I'm a Mom now. It's exhausting and fulfilling. It's purposeful and draining. It's rewarding & meaningful always. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the whole world. Seriously...the BEST.JOB.EVER.

Can't get enough sleeping shots of him. He falls asleep all the time in the car now that we don't take naps!

God, thank you for the gift that my sweet brown-eyed boy is. Thank you for your timing, and the way you had this worked out long before I did.