Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Hard Questions

As an adoptee, I have a billion questions. Some are deep, some...not so much. Some are important; others are not. But they're still there until they get answered. I love that as an adoptive momma, I know the questions my kids are going to have.

But hear me...as much as I love this, I also dread it. Because I know the hard things they're going to think, believe, go through. And to make matters worse, we know details about certain happenings in Big D's life pre-foster care...and to know it is hard, but to share it with him (eventually, when it's age appropriate and if he cares) will be harder still.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for this.

Like recently. Big D's been obsessed with "kidnapping." He's had bad dreams. He's had dreams that his sister was kidnapped. I'm thankful he can talk about these things, but scared to death of where he comes up with it. We don't allow violent/scary anything in our home/tv/video games, etc. He just can't handle it. He can't even watch Scooby Doo anymore b/c he has bad dreams about monsters and ghosts. We don't know the actual evil he's encountered in the 4 years before us, and he just can't handle it. Some kids can. My kid can't.

{And before I get on a soapbox about it...isn't it a blessing that we don't have to raise our children the way "society" thinks we should? Seriously. Why would we put bad images in our children's mind before they're ready for them?}

Back to the kidnapping. For weeks, he's been randomly questioning the Mr & I...usually when we're alone with him, and when it's down time. We have been racking our brains...really puzzled as to where this came from. Who has he been with? What kinds of things were talked about? What images has he seen/heard/played/talked about when I wasn't around?

We have talked about it, prayed about it, and we can't figure it out.

Today, as he asked me a new question...the worst one so far...I realized it was from me. It was me, in my paranoia....which is a story for another day. In short, as I stood up for our rights as a family {not realizing he was even listening}, I relayed some of my fears. One of my biggest fears is my children being kidnapped by birth parents. {It makes me want to move to the North Pole or Australia...as far away as possible.}

But he heard me. And now my biggest fear has been transferred to my son.

As I hid my tears from him today, I realized...this is just the beginning of the hard questions. 

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Days like today...

I've had a couple rough weeks. And by rough, I mean...really r o u g h. I'm going to spare you the details, but it seems no matter which way I turn, it's not finished or working. Or plans fall through (a g a i n). Or all my planning is null & void because of this reason or that. Or the kids are just...not cooperating with the busyness I find myself in (what kid would?).

But today...it tops the cake. Really.

My first draft of this blog was just...complaint after complaint of all the stinky belongings of this day. But after thought and prayer, I deleted it. Cuz who wants to read someone's blog where they just complain? {Not I, so why would you?}

The good news: both kids are in bed. It's 8:33 p.m. Mister is at a concert in town. I have the (hot) house all to myself, and I'm REFUSING to do housework.

So I'm going to go find myself the best Book known to man and settle in for a bit. There's no other place I'd rather be.

And to be clear - I'm so thankful that there aren't more days like today in life...

And to help us all, a little reminder...