Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Hard Questions

As an adoptee, I have a billion questions. Some are deep, some...not so much. Some are important; others are not. But they're still there until they get answered. I love that as an adoptive momma, I know the questions my kids are going to have.

But hear me...as much as I love this, I also dread it. Because I know the hard things they're going to think, believe, go through. And to make matters worse, we know details about certain happenings in Big D's life pre-foster care...and to know it is hard, but to share it with him (eventually, when it's age appropriate and if he cares) will be harder still.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for this.

Like recently. Big D's been obsessed with "kidnapping." He's had bad dreams. He's had dreams that his sister was kidnapped. I'm thankful he can talk about these things, but scared to death of where he comes up with it. We don't allow violent/scary anything in our home/tv/video games, etc. He just can't handle it. He can't even watch Scooby Doo anymore b/c he has bad dreams about monsters and ghosts. We don't know the actual evil he's encountered in the 4 years before us, and he just can't handle it. Some kids can. My kid can't.

{And before I get on a soapbox about it...isn't it a blessing that we don't have to raise our children the way "society" thinks we should? Seriously. Why would we put bad images in our children's mind before they're ready for them?}

Back to the kidnapping. For weeks, he's been randomly questioning the Mr & I...usually when we're alone with him, and when it's down time. We have been racking our brains...really puzzled as to where this came from. Who has he been with? What kinds of things were talked about? What images has he seen/heard/played/talked about when I wasn't around?

We have talked about it, prayed about it, and we can't figure it out.

Today, as he asked me a new question...the worst one so far...I realized it was from me. It was me, in my paranoia....which is a story for another day. In short, as I stood up for our rights as a family {not realizing he was even listening}, I relayed some of my fears. One of my biggest fears is my children being kidnapped by birth parents. {It makes me want to move to the North Pole or Australia...as far away as possible.}

But he heard me. And now my biggest fear has been transferred to my son.


As I hid my tears from him today, I realized...this is just the beginning of the hard questions. 

2 comments:

  1. Totally feel your pain, babe..... we'll make it okay!!

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  2. I obviously cannot relate to you in what you are going through but I do know that you and Aaron are doing an amazing job with Dillon & Ruby. While Dillon has had a very difficult past- you and Aaron brought him out of that and gave him brand new life. We can't control the circumstances that he has had to deal with but you can control things now. Just love on him and Ruby and give them the life that their birth parents failed to give them. Just be careful with what he hears- our kids can read us REALLY WELL- just help Dillon to know that he is safe but also help him to work through this fear. Help him to prepare for it if it were to ever happen (which I doubt it would) teach him to find a grownup and make it known that he needs help. I know in the past that I have dealt with fears by preparing for them if they were to ever occur. Praying for you guys!

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